The first month, honestly

You prayed and you meant it. Here is what the next thirty days may actually feel like, and what to do when they do.

Start here gives you five steps. This is about the days in between them. Nobody told me what the first weeks of following Jesus would actually feel like, and some of what I felt I mistook for failure. It was not failure. It was the first month.

You will sin again, probably this week

Sin is living as if you are the centre. It is the oldest habit of the human race, and praying a prayer does not delete it overnight. So you will do the thing again. Lose your temper, tell the lie, open the browser tab. The danger is not the falling. The danger is what you tell yourself afterwards: that you have blown it, that it did not take, that you should wait until you are better before you go back to Him.

Do not wait. Go straight back. Tell Him what you did, plainly, and thank Him that the cross already covered it. The only gap worth shortening is the gap between falling and coming back.

The old life will call

Some of it will call loudly. The people you used to run with, the places, the Friday night. Some of them will be curious and some will be hostile, and a few will wait quietly to see whether this lasts. You do not owe anyone a speech. You owe them the same two sentences you told the one person in Start here, and then your life over the next year will do the rest.

Temptation is not a sign that something went wrong. It is a sign that you are now facing the other way, and the current you used to float in is pushing against you. Scripture promises a way out every time, but you have to take it, and usually the way out is a door you walk through rather than a feeling that arrives.

God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. 1 Corinthians 10:13

Doubt will show up, usually at night

Around week two or three a voice will ask whether any of this is real. Whether you talked yourself into it. Whether the feeling, if you had one, was just a feeling. Every believer I know has heard that voice. Doubt is not the opposite of faith. It is faith asking questions, and the questions have answers.

The only mistake is to take the doubt away from Him instead of to Him. A father in the Gospels brought his sick son to Jesus and said the most honest prayer in the Bible:

Jesus healed the boy. He did not send the father away to sort out his doubts first. Pray that prayer as often as you need to. I still do.

Church may feel strange

You will hear words you do not know and songs everyone else seems to know. People may look sorted in a way you do not feel. They are not. Every one of them had a first month. Go twice before you decide anything, ask your questions out loud, and find one person who will explain things without making you feel small. That person is there. Most churches are full of people who would love to be asked.

Reading will confuse you in places

You started with John, which was right. Some chapters will land as if they were written to you this morning. Others will make no sense at all. Both are normal. Keep a page of questions, do not let a hard chapter stop you, and take the questions to the person you found at church. The Bible has been read by new believers for two thousand years. It can handle yours.

Prayer will feel like talking to the ceiling some days

It is still prayer. He hears the ones that feel empty exactly as well as the ones that feel full, and Scripture says the Spirit prays for you when you do not know what to say. Keep it short and honest. Thank You. Help me. I am sorry. I do not understand. Those four will carry you a long way.

We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us. Romans 8:26

You are new

Peter wrote that to new believers. Notice the word. Newborn. Nobody watches a newborn and worries that it cannot walk. It is not supposed to yet. It is supposed to feed and grow, and that is all that is being asked of you this month. Feed on the Word. Grow. The walking comes.

You are not failing at this. You are new at it.

The Lord has taught me most things the slow way, and I have come to trust the slow way, because what grows slowly tends to stay.

One thing to do

Put a date in your diary thirty days from today. On that day, read this again and write down three things that are different about you. Small things count. If you cannot find three, keep going anyway and read it again after sixty. He who began this in you is going to finish it. That is not my promise. It is His.